As I�ve said before in this diary, I�ve had a pretty typical marriage with a lot of ups and downs. However, it�s never really gotten much lower than indifference. There were many times when we just took each other for granted.

We�ve never had kids � except for Queto the dog. We�ve never infringed on each other�s independence. Luvofmylife has always had her own career. I�ve always cooked (on and off) and cleaned. We�ve always collaborated on major purchases but pretty much do what do what we like with our meager collective pot of cash.

I�ve never really cheated on Luvofmylife - not really. It�s not for lack of trying though. There were times when I�ve wanted a woman so bad my brain felt like exploding. It�s kind of odd�when we�re at our most distant; I just get a bit lonely. But I like being alone so that�s no big deal. When we�re at our closest, I start to feel like I�m in a box � like I�m in jail. How stupid is that?

I must admit that my eyes and desires do wander. There are so many fantastic and interesting women around. I haven�t had that many encounters in the last 25 years but there have been a few. There was LL, a colleague in the 1980�s. She was so sweet. She and her husband ended up being friends of ours and then we lost touch with them. Then there was JB, also a colleague, during the 90�s. I�ve never found anyone that I could talk to like her. We became very close friends but I didn�t have the nerve to take it any further. There was a super awkward encounter with a stripper. I still don�t know where my head was that time. Buddybee told me she was a slut/whore. Turned out she was a dyke/slut/whore. Not that there�s anything wrong with that.

In all those cases, I really wanted�intensely�to go further. But I couldn�t. Of course, it doesn�t help that I�m a super awkward DORK!!! Well, super shy, at the very least.

However. There was Marie (not her real name). I was attending a summer art camp in the early �90�s out west. I was there for a sculpture workshop. There were about six of us in the class and Marie was one of them. She was beautiful, long brown hair with hazel eyes, really prominent features and a tad flirty.

We got along really well and I really fell for her. Near the end of the week I told her so � in my own inimitably geeky, dorky way. And she just switched off. I hadn�t made a secret that I was married so she just bailed. I burned for that woman. But�life goes on�and that�s just as well. *sigh*

I felt, like I often feel, like a dog chasing a big truck�What am I gonna do if I catch her? But I gotta chase.

So I�ve never cheated on Luvofmylife but I sure have wanted to. Just when I feel closer to her than ever, I feel trapped in a straightjacket, unable to taste the sweetness of other women. On the other hand, my awkward approach to women wouldn't get me anywhere anyway.

Why in hell can�t I be happy with what I�ve got? It�s pretty friggin� good.

Why can�t I be happy?

Arc