I�m a rather shy person � not as shy as in my youth but still pretty reserved, insecure. In my youth, I was painfully shy and pretty intimidated by girls. From a very young age, I was absolutely hypnotized by girls. There wasn�t anything about them I didn�t like�except their cruelty. It�s funny...I�ve never considered girls/women as weak and without power. To me, no one had as much power as a woman. I still think that way.

At any rate, being shy and not exactly good looking, I was always more of an observer in matters of the heart than anything. I was the king of unrequited lovers. When I did connect with a girl, I wasn�t able to hang on to any kind of relationship for very long�not until I was into my twenties.

A lot of my friends were tall, dark and handsome young guys, especially when I got into my teens. I remember once�I was part of a folk group, played guitar. We were three boys and four girls. We used to play in prisons, churches, at picnics. We used to party a lot together too. Heavy drinking.

My friends Beegee, and Kayme were also guitar players and they were pretty good looking guys. (Crappy guitar players, though) I had a major crush on Marjorie. She was a cute, round little Irish girl with eyes that could cut through four inches of steel. We got along really well. She was a natural group leader and I was kind of the music director. I really liked her a lot. One night at a party, we both got a bit loaded and we ended up deep kissing each other �til my head started to spin. I was in love. WE were in love. Two days later we were at another party and the same thing happened � only between Marjorie and Beegee. They ended up in bed.

That�s only a tiny example of how my love life was before I met luvofmylife � at the age of 25. The women in my life have always stepped on me to get at the Beegee�s of this world. All Beegee and his like ever had to do was to say a few nice things to the girl I loved and she�d crash through me to get at him. I�ve got major stiletto tracks on my ass, baby.

So, ya�I have some major issues with Beegee types, but I have issues with Marjorie and her kind as well. If they only knew what pain they�ve caused. Probably wouldn�t make any difference but I�d like them to know. If, for some perverse reason, you want another example of my feelings on this subject, go here . Would they have any idea the craving a man like me has for an intimate and, yes, sexual relationship? But I don�t look like Beegee so that�s it then.

So, I married at the age of 25 with the first girl I really had sex with. I�ve said this before and I�ll say it again, I really don�t know what such an absolute vision of beauty, intelligence and charm ever saw in me but whatever it is, I�m glad she did. As it turned out, that girl was a perfect match for me. I love her dearly, and unless some major catastrophe occurs, I�ll probably spend the rest of my life with her.

However, I�ve always craved new sexual experiences with other women. It hasn�t happened and it probably never will.

Why have desire when you can�t do anything about it?

Thinking of that plunges me into despair.

Arc